Sunday, August 21, 2016

Don't Check Your Email on the Weekends: A Reminder to Myself

Although weekends are now exceedingly precious to me as they are the most quantifiable and qualitative time spent with my family, I, as an anxious individual tend to check my email at work so that I do not come in on Monday and feel bombarded. I've done that in the past to help alleviate anxiety; but I think it's now having an opposite effect. Thankfully, when reading my daily meditations with Frederick Buechner, today's post rang true entitled " Adversaries":

" In this war of conquest we all must wage, there are also the adversaries with whom we have to wage it;  and they are adversaries of flesh and blood. They are human beings like ourselves, each of whom is fighting the same war toward the same end under a banner emblazoned with the same word that our banners bear, and that word is of course Myself, or Myself and my Family, or Myself and my Country, or Myself and my Race, which are all really Myself writ large. It can be the most ruthless of all wars, but on the other hand it need not be, Saints and Sinners fight it both. Ghengis Kahn fought such a war under such a banner, but so did Martin Luther King Jr.. It can be the naked war of the jungle, my ambition against your ambition, my will against your will,,, it is often the war of the just against the unjust . Whichever it is, it is the war of flesh against flesh: to get ahead, to win, to regain power, to survive in a world where not even survival is without struggle."

Sigh. This work/life balance is hard.

Saturday, August 13, 2016


I'm finding it difficult to sit down and write anymore, but I've had a few reminders lately that this is a passion of mine that I should continue, however mundane my thoughts might be.:)

Quick update: Annie Gray is now 9 months, crawling and will be walking soon enough. Her colic has subsided, however, she still remains a very spirited young lady. She loves to eat, listen to music, and reminds me a lot of my dad. Has a very obvious temper but also enjoys just being held.  She likes watching the weather reports on TV and is interested in singing ( dad was obsessed with weather as well as his father, Both had weather radios that were always on, blaring away no matter what was going on.:) She is a daddy's girl through and through and watching Geoff and Annie Gray together melts my heart and increases the love and gratitude I have for him. We're a full family now, and I can't stress enough how lucky I am to have Geoff as my husband and best friend.

Arlo is so amazing.  He has definitely taken on the role of big brother with humor, kindness, and empathy. Of course as a big brother, he has his moments of " older sibling" syndrome... but overall, I am so proud of him. He starts first grade on Monday and I am so very confident that he will do well. He cracks us up on a daily basis from his ruminations on the illuminati to his pokemon knowledge and ability to understand and participate freely in the process of pokemon go, something a year ago might have been difficult. I feel he has gained so much confidence this summer in making friends and I thank Geoff and my in laws for supporting him in this as I went back to work full time in June.

I love my job, This is what I need at this time in my life. It was tough at first leaving the kids. In all honestly, I still feel some guilt going back, But in the few months I have been back I have felt more confident, assertive. I feel like a "better" mom and person. I admit that I am struggling with finding myself again-- a momma without kids and other responsibilities and relationships. Thankful I am working with teenagers now as it might have been more of a struggle working with the little ones. Thankful I have begun to foster friendships with people that I work with-- something I thought that I was never totally good at in the past, although in discussion with Geoff tonight he reminded me of all the friends I've made along the way that we still connect with.

I feel happy and content at the moment.  I feel supported and loved. I feel grateful.  And of course, for those of you that know me well-- I feel like maybe I'm making mom and dad proud.