Sunday, August 21, 2016

Don't Check Your Email on the Weekends: A Reminder to Myself

Although weekends are now exceedingly precious to me as they are the most quantifiable and qualitative time spent with my family, I, as an anxious individual tend to check my email at work so that I do not come in on Monday and feel bombarded. I've done that in the past to help alleviate anxiety; but I think it's now having an opposite effect. Thankfully, when reading my daily meditations with Frederick Buechner, today's post rang true entitled " Adversaries":

" In this war of conquest we all must wage, there are also the adversaries with whom we have to wage it;  and they are adversaries of flesh and blood. They are human beings like ourselves, each of whom is fighting the same war toward the same end under a banner emblazoned with the same word that our banners bear, and that word is of course Myself, or Myself and my Family, or Myself and my Country, or Myself and my Race, which are all really Myself writ large. It can be the most ruthless of all wars, but on the other hand it need not be, Saints and Sinners fight it both. Ghengis Kahn fought such a war under such a banner, but so did Martin Luther King Jr.. It can be the naked war of the jungle, my ambition against your ambition, my will against your will,,, it is often the war of the just against the unjust . Whichever it is, it is the war of flesh against flesh: to get ahead, to win, to regain power, to survive in a world where not even survival is without struggle."

Sigh. This work/life balance is hard.

Saturday, August 13, 2016


I'm finding it difficult to sit down and write anymore, but I've had a few reminders lately that this is a passion of mine that I should continue, however mundane my thoughts might be.:)

Quick update: Annie Gray is now 9 months, crawling and will be walking soon enough. Her colic has subsided, however, she still remains a very spirited young lady. She loves to eat, listen to music, and reminds me a lot of my dad. Has a very obvious temper but also enjoys just being held.  She likes watching the weather reports on TV and is interested in singing ( dad was obsessed with weather as well as his father, Both had weather radios that were always on, blaring away no matter what was going on.:) She is a daddy's girl through and through and watching Geoff and Annie Gray together melts my heart and increases the love and gratitude I have for him. We're a full family now, and I can't stress enough how lucky I am to have Geoff as my husband and best friend.

Arlo is so amazing.  He has definitely taken on the role of big brother with humor, kindness, and empathy. Of course as a big brother, he has his moments of " older sibling" syndrome... but overall, I am so proud of him. He starts first grade on Monday and I am so very confident that he will do well. He cracks us up on a daily basis from his ruminations on the illuminati to his pokemon knowledge and ability to understand and participate freely in the process of pokemon go, something a year ago might have been difficult. I feel he has gained so much confidence this summer in making friends and I thank Geoff and my in laws for supporting him in this as I went back to work full time in June.

I love my job, This is what I need at this time in my life. It was tough at first leaving the kids. In all honestly, I still feel some guilt going back, But in the few months I have been back I have felt more confident, assertive. I feel like a "better" mom and person. I admit that I am struggling with finding myself again-- a momma without kids and other responsibilities and relationships. Thankful I am working with teenagers now as it might have been more of a struggle working with the little ones. Thankful I have begun to foster friendships with people that I work with-- something I thought that I was never totally good at in the past, although in discussion with Geoff tonight he reminded me of all the friends I've made along the way that we still connect with.

I feel happy and content at the moment.  I feel supported and loved. I feel grateful.  And of course, for those of you that know me well-- I feel like maybe I'm making mom and dad proud.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Welcome to Parenthood. Again.

Well, it's been a long time since I've updated this blog. Many things have happened, but the biggest thing that has happened is the arrival of our newest family member, Miss Annie Gray, born 10/24/2015, 2 weeks earlier than scheduled.

We're now into February, and things haven't changed since welcoming Arlo into the word.


 Going from one kid to two is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life besides dealing with the loss of my parents, and if you truly know me, this speaks volumes about what we're dealing with right now.  I love Annie more than I can explain, yet, I am so lost. So frustrated. Her smiles are absolutely beautiful and for the short time in which she decides to give those smiles, I am smitten beyond belief. My heart lurches forward and I feel so lucky to have her and be her mom.  I see so many people in her eyes, her face... my dad, my mom,  Geoff's Aunt Katie... and the way she looks at and loves Arlo is beyond anything I can describe. But we have ourselves another "high needs" baby. Some call it colic, some describe it as just having a " grumpy beast of a baby", but whatever it is, it's rough, and both Geoff and I are struggling. She won't nap unless she's being held. Sleeping at night equals her being up every hour, sometimes with screaming that we can't find a reason for. Geoff and I fight. We fight over who slept the most, who got the most sleep, and who deserves it the most. Poor Arlo isn't getting what he needs from us, and I think this is the worst part for me. My son, my heart and soul, feels slighted because mommy isn't 100 percent there for him anymore. I get it. I miss him so much. I miss our relationship before all the madness. I hope he doesn't grow up to resent me, Geoff, or Annie.

I'm divulging all this information because I think a lot of moms don't. They feel ashamed, they feel guilty, and I'm here to say that there are so many of us in the same boat, and that those feelings are a byproduct of the need to be "everything to everyone"  and be good at it, by standards put in place by others. This need is, of course, ridiculous and if I may say so, dated and not a realistic goal of being a mother or a person in general. If a friend were to come to me with his/her feelings that resembled mine, I wouldn't think twice in saying " You're a great mom/dad. You're doing the best job, and I am here to support you. Let me know what I can do to help. "  Because at least for me, that's what I need. Unconditional love and support.