Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Welcome to Parenthood. Again.

Well, it's been a long time since I've updated this blog. Many things have happened, but the biggest thing that has happened is the arrival of our newest family member, Miss Annie Gray, born 10/24/2015, 2 weeks earlier than scheduled.

We're now into February, and things haven't changed since welcoming Arlo into the word.


 Going from one kid to two is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life besides dealing with the loss of my parents, and if you truly know me, this speaks volumes about what we're dealing with right now.  I love Annie more than I can explain, yet, I am so lost. So frustrated. Her smiles are absolutely beautiful and for the short time in which she decides to give those smiles, I am smitten beyond belief. My heart lurches forward and I feel so lucky to have her and be her mom.  I see so many people in her eyes, her face... my dad, my mom,  Geoff's Aunt Katie... and the way she looks at and loves Arlo is beyond anything I can describe. But we have ourselves another "high needs" baby. Some call it colic, some describe it as just having a " grumpy beast of a baby", but whatever it is, it's rough, and both Geoff and I are struggling. She won't nap unless she's being held. Sleeping at night equals her being up every hour, sometimes with screaming that we can't find a reason for. Geoff and I fight. We fight over who slept the most, who got the most sleep, and who deserves it the most. Poor Arlo isn't getting what he needs from us, and I think this is the worst part for me. My son, my heart and soul, feels slighted because mommy isn't 100 percent there for him anymore. I get it. I miss him so much. I miss our relationship before all the madness. I hope he doesn't grow up to resent me, Geoff, or Annie.

I'm divulging all this information because I think a lot of moms don't. They feel ashamed, they feel guilty, and I'm here to say that there are so many of us in the same boat, and that those feelings are a byproduct of the need to be "everything to everyone"  and be good at it, by standards put in place by others. This need is, of course, ridiculous and if I may say so, dated and not a realistic goal of being a mother or a person in general. If a friend were to come to me with his/her feelings that resembled mine, I wouldn't think twice in saying " You're a great mom/dad. You're doing the best job, and I am here to support you. Let me know what I can do to help. "  Because at least for me, that's what I need. Unconditional love and support.

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