Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Different

So I guess I'm no longer a full-fledged "stay at home mom" now that I'm back in academia. I've only taken a couple of classes this summer to ready my brain for the full-time experience to come this September, but WOW-- it really is a balancing act, especially with a 20 month old and a husband who now works 45 minutes from home. This isn't a complaint, rather just an observation and description of how my life has drastically changed within the past four months.

My first class was Statistics... and it met every single damn day for 3 weeks. I passed. Nothing really else to say other than I NEVER HAVE TO TAKE THAT CLASS AGAIN. The caps convey my feelings on this. I couldn't have done it without the help of my husband, mother-in-law, father-in-law, and my dad. Arlo decided it was time to nap in his crib right around when class started. Thank you, son. Thank you. Unfortunately, it still seems I suffer a bit from test anxiety. But the math anxiety? That's gone. Not sure why or how, but I got to the point where I pushed myself to believe that I really COULD do it, and threw out the old " I just can't compute" excuses. I think that in itself was a victory-- the biggest most important victory. Ironically enough, on the first page of the book in my psychometrics and personality traits class was a huge, glaring SCATTERPLOT with x's and y's and r= blah blah blah. But i didn't freak out, because I knew what it meant, thanks to my recent dance with stats class and new found confidence that math is NOT the root of all evil. ( it is the root of a lot of evil, but not all)

I registered for classes in the fall-- 16 credit hours, every day of the week, Friday classes are field placements which means I have to do some soul searching as to what sector I really want to work in, and fast. I'm in the mental health/direct practice/clinical track so I have an inkling of what I know I want to do and what I don't want to do. As an aside, apparently the government is offering 5000 bucks to any MSW who goes into the Child Welfare track... wish I could do that but that time has passed with me. Maybe 8 years ago, but definitely not now that I have my own kiddo. Went to the MSW Orientation and re-connected with an old friend which was really wonderful.  I sat there in that tiny little classroom with those tiny little desks and thought... here I am... where I have wanted to be for 10 plus years now.  I hope my mom is watching, and that she is proud.

My current class is extremely interesting but there is SO MUCH INFORMATION. Pro: the professor wrote the book that we are using for class. Con: the professor wrote the book that we are using for class. He's british (YAY, although I detect a hint of scottish in his accent as well) and very knowledgeable. My biggest difficulty is getting through all of the text. It's so dense, and I want to take it all in, but still have a life. In some ways this class is making me realize how much I love psychology and research... never thought I'd say that.

I miss my mom ferociously these days. Still angry, sad, lonely from her death. Arlo pointed to the picture of her and dad on the fridge today and said " gramanduke? hi gramanduke? It still takes a lot of effort not to totally break down when he does things like that. He has a mickey plane that she gave him for his birthday that hasn't worked in like 5 months or so-- it needed new batteries. Arlo likes to cart it around the house for some reason, and last week Geoff said " buddy, we need to get some new batteries in your mickey plane"... not 2 minutes later the thing started working again. Instances like that make me feel certain that she is present with every step we take.

 It's been a tough road lately, but with the love and support from friends and family, we're going to make it. Thanks to everyone.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Love the shit out of you. -ED

Gillian said...

XOXO You can do it mama, especially with your mama by your side.