Still

I have to admit, Mother's Day was so much more difficult than I thought it would be. Mom and I spent many Mother's Day celebrations apart, so it was odd to me how upset and depressed I felt when I woke up. I spent the morning watching the newest Harry Potter for the gazillionth time, and the idea that it was all really just a distraction is not at all lost on me.

 The previous week I kept going to the internet to try and order flowers... only to be reminded that I didn't need to. I would see a picture of her in the house and say to myself " you've got to get a card or something" only to have that thought interrupted by the realization that a sending a card and flowers wasn't necessary anymore.

"Not necessary anymore"... this truth haunts me now. I never thought I'd be in a place where I didn't obsess about  the last minute about birthdays, mother's day, christmas, etc... and yet here I am. And it's confusing. Upsetting .But really it just makes me angry. She's supposed to be here to receive all these goofy consumer driven gifts of remembrance. She's supposed to endure my procrastination and tell me she doesn't " need any of this stuff anyway." My son is supposed to be making her scribble scrabble mothers day cards and sending her video greetings/phone calls.

I recently watched a video of my son when he received his "mickey plane" from my parents for his birthday, and in the background,  I heard her distinctive chuckle... that machine gun laugh of  hers that could permeate a room for years. Her passing is STILL amazing to me in that I can't believe it happened. It's been almost two months, and I honestly still can't wrap my head around it.

I'm jumping around the Kubler-Ross stages like my pants are on fire. I so wish that she could have watched Arlo grow up. I have this intense need for him to have some sort of memory of her although I know that his having any true memory of her is probably stretching it. Life with Arlo is amazing-- but life without mom is pretty darn lonely and debilitating. I just hope I'm being the best mom I can be to Arlo.